Papabear,
This is my first time writing to an advice column and this question is not really a furry-related one but I have a very limited number of ways to seek unbiased feedback on this and since it's probably not uncommon with furs I figured I'd ask :) I am not a social person. I'm not a misanthrope, I actually quite like people, I just have a very limited amount of socialization I can do before I burn out and need to be alone. I'm mentally ill (Schizo-affective disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and depressive bipolar. All but the first one are severe and the first one might also be, but I disagree with that diagnosis, so take my opinion on it with a grain of salt!), but it's under control and so I function on an emotional level more or less the same way a sane person does, but the nature of mental illness could prevent me from seeing its influence in the first place so it might be worth putting out there. Anyway, I've been seeing a lot of stuff lately basically saying that you NEED to have an active social life or you are a miserable loser and I get the impression that people (such as my partner's family) think either that I must be severely depressed or severely delusional to be alone so much. Thing is, I really don't feel like I am. I live with my partner and see him every day, I have about 10 or so online friends I am quite close with who I speak with every other day, and my best friend IRL who I see every couple of months. This is a very, very low number and part of me feels like it should be alarming, but the rest of me is very defiant of that shame. Despite being disabled and neither working nor in school I have very little difficulty meeting people if I choose to, and getting along socially is effortless. I feel like it's an issue of knowing my boundaries and what I can handle so I don't end up making more friends I just won't have the mental energy for and end up neglecting. An example--my partner and I met a couple local furs for drinks and dinner recently and I had a good time, I really liked them, and I have zero desire to meet them again. It's not that they weren't up to my standards or something silly, it's just that the commitment involved in maintaining two new additional friendships when I'm at capacity just isn't feasible for me so I feel it's best not to let it get to the point where my not showing up is taken as a personal thing. I dunno, I'm rambling a bit trying to explain where I'm coming from, but the bottom line is that I know that my social life is abnormal and can be seen as a giant red flag but the only part of it that causes me any pain is how much I worry about if I'm "a normal person," I guess because growing up mentally ill it's been kind of a scramble since recovering to understand what about me is a Big Bad Problem vs. what's just an issue of perspective. Anyway, if you could maybe weigh in on if I sound healthy or not (at least in this regard) I would appreciate it :) K-Bunz * * * Hi, K-Bunz, Questions from Papabear’s readers do not necessarily have to directly relate to furries and the fandom. Any question that is of a concern to one of this bear’s furry brothers or sisters is legitimate and will be addressed with all earnestness. Thanks for writing. While for most people, sane or not, social interaction is beneficial to their emotional and mental well-being, there is no law that says such a guideline has to be enforced. It is important to emphasize here that there is a HUGE difference between being—let’s call it—asocial and being anti-social. Anti-social people don’t like other human beings, sometimes to the point of wanting to cause them harm. Asocial people are generally indifferent to other people but are not a danger to others. Papabear wouldn’t even go so far as to say you are asocial because you state quite emphatically that you DO like people, you just don’t see a need to have lots and lots and lots of friends. A pawful suffices. Part of the reason for this being that you struggle to maintain a worthwhile contact with more than a few people (possibly related to your anxiety disorder). In other words, you favor a few quality relationships over having a large quantity of less substantial relationships. Given the choice between a few really good relationships, like with your partner and best friend, and hundreds of mere acquaintances, I would certainly choose the former. There are many people out there who have numerous “friends” out there but are miserable because they don’t have a love in their life. You, on the other paw, have that, which puts you way ahead of most furries who have written me in the past. Bunz, don’t worry about what other people say you should be or how you should live your life. Sounds to this bear that, even with your mental disadvantages, you are ahead of the crowd. Relax, take a deep breath, hug your partner, be good to the friends and family you have. You’re doing great. Hugs! Papabear
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Dear Papa Bear,
I came across your site a little while ago while looking for other furries I can network with. After reading a few posts I felt comfortable putting this out for everyone to see. I don't think I should be hiding it anymore and I would like the advice of someone who I've never met before. Here it is... I've got a problem that's been irking me for over 20 years. I'm 25 right now and I'm having an amazing amount of success being a screenwriter which makes this even tougher to deal with. Back in 1992, when I was a young boy of 5, I met a boy who was 8 who I was slow to make friends with. When his friend was around a certain side of his personality came out that by 1993 made me fall in love with him... head over heels. At the time I was a very timid child and was scared to death to tell him that out of fear of rejection and alienation. I always knew something was different about me but falling in love at that age was exhilarating. Instead of trying kindle a relationship on that level with this boy I kept it hidden until I got the worst news I could ever hear. In 1995 that boy ceased to be and it was then I felt the worst heartache I thought I would ever feel. For a couple years afterward I had to struggle with the longing that came from the loss of my love. It hurt and it hurt bad. After that period of time everything seemed to level out and I thought the worst was over. Flash forward to 2012 and I find myself revisiting those times as I feel the gaping hole that is my love life. All my sexual relations with other men and women only satisfied the physical side of my lust but failed to address the emotional side which is the root cause of my anguish. For months now I have felt the heartache all over again as I realize I have never stopped pining for him. Auto-erotic activities and emotional fits do nothing to dull it out. The fact is that my tie to him formed at 5 and only got stronger over time. Now it like an unbreakable force that sits on my consciousness reminding me that there was actually one person in my life that I would give my life for. No one else has ever come close to him. I can't even describe how much I miss him and how much he affects my life. Day in and day out I fantasize about what I would say to him if I ever got even 5 minutes with him. I can safely say that sex would do it no justice. I want him in my arms to love and to hold until I too cease to be. Papa Bear this is getting to the point where I need a sympathetic shoulder and a guiding voice. The one person I love more than life itself cannot be with me. If there is an afterlife then I hope I get to revisit my youth and tell him how I felt about him. For now... All I can do is remember him and use his personality and intelligence to fuel my desire to better myself and better the lives of others. How would you deal with this? How do I get over the gap in my life? I just want to see him again... Even for 5 minutes, just to tell me if I've done good in life or not. Astrit * * * Dear Astrit, Yours is one of the most powerful and touching letters Papabear has ever read. Thank you for writing to me. My deep condolences for your loss. I believe one big reason that your first love had such a deep impression on you was that it happened to you when you were so incredibly young. Another reason is that it ended so soon and so tragically. You will never get over this completely. That special love and that wonderful, short time will always be a part of you, living inside of you, including the pain. What you need to do a little better is deal with this incredible upwelling of emotion that is associated with your first love. Reading your letter, Papabear can tell that, despite your pain, you have grown into a pretty well-adjusted person. Someone who is kind and cares about others. There are two things you can do to help deal with your pain. I don’t know about you, but yours truly believes that when we die, it is only the physical form that is gone. Do you believe in a spiritual life, Astrit? I’m not necessarily talking about a Christian Heaven or that sort of thing, but I do believe that there is something more than the physical world. Therefore, your first true love still exists out there somewhere and it might be possible to connect to him in some way. Not in the same way you communicate with the living, but it is still possible. It rather depends on your own spiritual beliefs how you reconnect with him; you might seek out a spiritual guide commensurate with your philosophy. You might be viewing your loss of love and the resulting pain as a handicap, but in some ways it is also a strength. You are very lucky in that you have experience a real and true love, however briefly, and you know what genuine love is. Not everyone is so lucky. Shakespeare said, “It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” That might be small comfort, but it is very true, and you can use that experience to pass the love to others. As you said, “All I can do is remember him and use his personality and intelligence to fuel my desire to better myself and better the lives of others.” That is an amazing statement and tells me just what a wonderful person you have become. But you needn’t believe that you will forever be without another love in your life. Papabear is not one to believe that there is “only one.” You talk some about your other relationships and how they have been mainly physical but not emotionally satisfying. It is good you recognize, unlike some, that sex does not equal love. That’s a healthy realization on your part. Has it occurred to you that you might be indulging in simply physical relationships because in your mind you don’t believe you will ever find another person like that first love? When people get a certain mindset—even a subconscious one—it can sabotage the possibility of a future relationship. If you think to yourself, “There will never be another like my first love” then you will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. You will never allow yourself to open your heart to another person because he or she won’t be the same. Naturally, they won’t be the same; no one is, but that doesn’t mean there is not another person out there, a unique individual, who is worthy of your love and vice versa. Astrit, you should embrace the memory of your past love, but try not to obsess about it. Know that your first love is with you in spirit and in your heart always. Treasure that love and allow the love in your heart to once more be shared with another person in your life. Somewhere, there is another person out there for you if you will let them in. I Wish You Love, Papabear Hi Papabear,
I am in my sophomore year at college and this is my first semester after coming out of the closet. Recently I have been looking for someone to date and I found this really nice freshman (for the purpose of keeping his identity a secret I'm going to call him “Matt”). Unfortunately he is causing me a lot of problems. When we first started to get to know each other, and I first told him that I liked him, he informed me that he was in an open relationship with a girl (whom I do not like at all but I’ll get to that later. I'm going to call her “Kelly”). I let him know that I was fine with it at first but if he found that he really liked me he would have to end the relationship with Kelly. Over the next couple of weeks everything was fine. We took it really slow by just hanging out with each other. After a while things started to get weird. Matt would suddenly get really depressed and moody. It seamed like he would half ask me for help and when I tried to help him he would just pull away and not let me in. This happened a couple of times now and I have been so uncomfortable around him. This could be partly because I am still not used to actually being in an intimate relationship with another man. I want to help him so badly but I am just terrified that I am going to scare him off. I feel like the source of all of his troubles is his girlfriend. I really can’t go too far into it because it is really personal but Matt and Kelly’s relationship seems to be very abusive. It is not just me who thinks that. The RAs in his building also think this too. Every weekend she comes up from her school so she can be with him. When she is here she is very rude to everyone. She has made no attempt to meet any of his friends and when she does hang out with everyone she just sits there and complains about everything. The thing that just pisses me off most about her is how she acts when I'm around her. First of all she tries to make out with Matt whenever I'm having a conversation with Matt. She also tries to argue and disagree with me at every chance she can. It drives me crazy. Yesterday Matt went into one of his moods because of Kelly. I kind of had a mental breakdown. All my emotions just seemed to well up all at once and I had a one of the worst anxiety attacks I have ever had. It’s been over 24 hours and my body still feels drained and I am having intense back pain because of it. I could barely move all day. It would have been a lot worse had it not been for one of the RAs on duty who knew how to hit certain pressure points on my head to calm me down and put me to sleep. I am 99% sure that Matt saw me like that and knew that he kind of caused it. My friends told him that I just had a headache but I think he is smart enough to put A and B together. I feel like I need to talk to him but every time I see him now I get emotional. I'm terrified that I could be sent into another anxiety attack, I don't know how I could handle another one. What should I do about this whole situation? Sincerely, Timmy * * * Dear Timmy, Instincts are a highly underrated ability that humans possess, just like animals. When I read a letter like this and hear the writer’s suspicions, I can often perceive that they are spot on and that the writer is just looking for a little confirmation from an old bear because he or she is not confident in a tried and true animal capability. Papabear has an instinct, too, that you are right, both about Matt’s girlfriend and that Matt probably knows how his relationship with Kelly is affecting you in a bad way. Many people, when they think of abusive relationships, think only in terms of a man hurting a woman, but it happens more than you think. Papabear himself knows of a couple friends who are in a bad situation with their female partner. A recent study showed that about 40% of domestic abuse cases are actually women perpetrating it against men. Here is a useful article on the subject that includes a couple hotlines: http://www.oregoncounseling.org/handouts/domesticviolencemen.htm. There are a number of reasons why people like your friend Matt stay in such relationships. One is that there are children involved, but I’m guessing that’s not the case here. More likely, Matt is suffering from poor self-esteem and blames himself whenever Kelly hurts him. The “I deserve it” syndrome. Papabear has a dear friend who is a classic case of this. When I first met him, he said “I’m sorry” so many times—for things he had no reason to apologize for—I almost wept to see such a beaten-down person. Matt likely got into a relationship with you because his spirit desperately needs some affirmation and love. But now you, Timmy, are caught in a difficult balancing act between your desire to have a loving relationship with Matt and your even more important need to protect yourself from a pain you don’t deserve. I would suggest you talk to Matt directly about this, but if it is going to cause you an anxiety attack we need an alternative. You mention the RA, who seems like a cool person who is also aware of the situation. Sounds like a potential moderator. Talk to him and see if you can find a way for the RA to sit Matt down and find out what is going on and if he is, indeed, being abused. There is help for both Matt and Kelly in this situation (Kelly needs help, too--I suspect a lot of this has to do with jealousy, but am not sure when the abuse started). If you can’t get the RA to do it, perhaps there is a health center at your school you can go to and ask for help. There are also the hotlines you can call (see above link). We need to find out better what’s going on in Matt’s head before proceeding. If Matt can improve his relationship with Kelly, this will help you as well and you won’t have to work on any other solution. If the Matt-Kelly situation doesn’t improve, or gets worse, that’s when you have to take a deep breath and talk to Matt, despite the anxiety. (If it’s really bad, you could write a letter to him as a last resort). Offer your help and love, but explain to him that you can’t stand by and watch Kelly abuse him as it is making you, quite literally, ill. If he cares about you, he won’t put you through that. It is a wonderful thing to help and love others. Do so as much as you can, but not to the point where you hurt yourself because then you are just as much a victim of Kelly’s abuse as Matt is. This is going to take some time and patience. Thank you for writing me, and I hope the above helps. Please write again and let me know how things are going. Hugs of Bear Love, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I need some advice on helping a family member who lost 2 loved ones recently—well the family member is my aunt. She just lost her aunt & uncle 1 week apart from each other & she seems really up set & depressed. I want to help her, but I don’t know how I can help her. Thank You, Specs Wolf * * * Dear Specs, Papabear extends his sympathies to you and your family on your recent loss. It is never easy when a family member or other loved one passes. The older we get, the more losses we experience, too, and often the loss of someone one generation ahead of us, or the same generation, makes us weep not only for the person who has died but also for what feels like the loss of our past, the loss of a little bit of ourselves. This reminds us that we are growing older, which can be depressing. One of Papabear’s beliefs is that the difference between being old and being young isn’t a matter of years, but rather, it is the difference between looking ahead and looking back. When we are young, we look forward to the future because so much of it lies ahead of us; when we get older and have many years of memories behind us, we get in the habit of looking behind more and more. The secret to staying young and optimistic, then, is to train our visions toward what is ahead of us and, too, what is with us right now in the present. Specs, Papabear is very touched by your concern for your aunt. The best thing you can do for her right now is show her that, although she has lost two people dear to her, she has a lot to be happy about right now. She has you! And, I’m sure, other family and friends who care about her. Make sure that she is surrounded as much as possible by loving friends and family. This doesn’t mean that she should forget her aunt and uncle. Another thing you can do is to help her celebrate their lives. You might be familiar with the tradition of the Irish wake, which is just so wonderful to this bear’s mind. What they do, instead of moaning and moping about, is celebrate the life of the dear departed with food, drink, song, and dance. You can, in any way you feel is suitable, help your aunt celebrate the lives of the ones she loved. Perhaps she can donate to a charity in the name of one of those who has passed, or plant a tree in loving memory to each and look forward to watching that tree grow and prosper. Whatever it is, just being with her and showing you care will be a great help. Thank you for caring, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm having some trouble with one of my close friends and I need some advice in what to do. He's suffering from mood swings and depression partially due to his multiple personality disorder. He recently (last night) had a brutal breakup with a potential boyfriend, but said almost-boyfriend ended up bashing him for his MPD and calling it a "BS disorder" and that my friend is only doing it "for attention" mostly because he was probably stressed, tired (it happened a bit after midnight, over Skype), and most likely not in his right mind. It still a lot of damage to my friend's psyche, To give a background, my friend lives in his own condo with a roommate and is finishing college this year. He was physically and mentally abused as a child and neglected as well, so it is remarkable that he is able to survive on his own so far, and I'm really happy for him. However, he has many many personalities and to control them, he set up a mind "world" for them to live inside. Some are nice, others aren't. Most aren't. Luckily they only show up in times of distress or depression, which is happening more often now. He feels as if no one wants him any more than a friend or a friend with benefits, and I am not sure what to do to help him. I know he has some attraction for me as he has admitted that, but I'm already in a committed monogamous relationship so I cannot be the love in his life. It's stressful for me to as it really pains me to see him collapse like this. This is also really stressful to me, and with school and other projects it becomes hard for me to help him as much as I would like. Luckily he's fine with that and can cope with most things by himself, but every now and then there's an experience he needs his friends for. His friends are another problem. Several "friends" of his have also abused and abandoned him over the years, using him for sex when he thought it was something more. This is causing him to become very paranoid about others and his personalities to stir even more. I'm really worried for my friend's health and mental state and I'm not sure what to do. Therapy was used before and that just led to pills that didn't work. Like I said, he's been on his own for a long time now and I know he is very strong. I just fear he is reaching his breaking point and I don't want to see a good friend institutionalized or worse. Please give me some advice and what I can do to help him. He desperately needs it, and I don't know where else to turn to at the moment. Thanks, DT * * * Dear, Sweet DT, You are such a true friend it does this ol’ bear’s heart good to see your deep concern for your furiend. Obviously, the first thing that I always mention is professional help, but you say he’s already gone down that road. Just to talk about it again, though, there are therapists and then there are therapists. Some are better than others, just like with anything else. Papabear went to therapy once, and, frankly, I don’t think I got my money’s worth. I would have looked for someone else to see, but my circumstances changed and I moved on. There are many alternative treatments to MPD, not just drugs, including hypnotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and other therapies focusing on everything from behavior to eye movement patterns. I’m sure he has not tried them all, and some treatments work better for certain people than others. It’s great that your friend has done so much with his life despite his struggles with MPD (also known as Dissociative Personality Disorder and incorrectly sometimes called schizophrenia, which is something different). It is also quite impressive that he has developed his own technique to try and isolate these secondary personalities to, I assume, protect himself and other people from them. It’s pretty easy to understand that he has more “not nice” personalities than nice ones because they are his outlet for his frustrations stemming from his unhappy childhood and continuing with the present day mistreatment of people around him. I’m not a psychologist, of course, but that seems like a no brainer. So, central to your letter, really, is that your friend is, sadly, surrounded by many losers and users who break his heart and make him upset. You are an exception, but, as you said, you are taken. Next question would be whether the two of you have a mutual friend or friends, a person or two whom you both like and respect who might go the extra distance for the guy you’re concerned about. Unfortunately, you don’t mention anyone like that in your lives. Is it possible to gain friends like that? Absolutely. In fact, if you think it would be okay with your friend, you can have him contact me and I can at least offer a little virtual support and hugs. Maybe talking with him one-on-one will help me come up with thoughts and suggestions that could help him further. You can also try and research support groups in his area for people with MPD. There are a few Meetup groups (http://mpd.meetup.com/) but that only works if you happen to be near those areas. There is also a group on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Dissociative-Identity-Disorder-DID-Support-Group/174362435919715). So getting rid of user “friends” and finding a local support group would both help. Since the MPD is aggravated by stress and upset, meditation would likely be of a great benefit to your friend, too. Learning breathing techniques, yoga, tai chi, etc. could all serve to calm him, perhaps lessening the emergence of his more hostile personalities. I would also like to suggest the Furries4Life group for your friend (and you), both on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/groups/311636512250169/ and the main site at www.furry4life.org. F4L, in my opinion, is the most drama-free of the furry social sites. Their FB page specifically is moderated to prohibit drama. He might have some luck there. Minimizing stress and developing supportive social group will both go a long way toward helping your friend. They are not a cure, but they can help. Thank you for being a friend to a furry in distress. You’re a good person, DT. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm currently a 5th year senior in High School. There is this test that me and the other students must pass in order to receive a High School diploma and graduate. At first I failed all of it, but luckily, scores from an end of course test for the first two sections (English and Social Studies) replaced the exit exam scores. That left me with two more tests that I failed, Math and science. Before I go any further I would like to say that I have Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism, I'm great with some subjects in School, but my main weakness in school is MATH. I've failed the math portion of the exit exam, five times! Every time they mention this exam, I get very, very angry about it. I'm getting more and more discouraged every time they bring up the test! As a matter of fact, they say that I have to take it again in two weeks, unless, I can get my mom to email them saying that I don't have to take it, but my mom doesn't know that I failed and I really don't want to take the blasted test again! What should I do? --Jacob Munk * * * Dear Jacob, Thank you for writing. This is an important subject, and writing about it might help other “Ask Papabear” readers, as well as, hopefully, you. Papabear has run into quite a few furries who have Asperger’s, which can be an extremely frustrating ailment to deal with. Usually, Papabear hears about the social difficulties of Asperger’s sufferers, but it obviously makes schoolwork more difficult as well. I think we can immediately rule out your failure, in math especially, to lack of trying, as it looks to me as if you have really been trying. This already puts you ahead of about 20% of Americans who drop out of high school each year, so kudos to you for getting this far. You say nothing in your letter, however, about seeking outside help—other than yours truly. You haven’t told your mother that you didn’t pass the last test, and you say nothing of looking for a tutor or other assistance. We all can get a little stubborn about not asking for help. It hurts our pride when we feel we can’t accomplish something by ourselves, and we can feel embarrassed or ashamed. But there really is nothing wrong with asking for help. You just did, actually, by writing to Papabear. So, if you haven’t done so already, see what you can do about getting a tutor. Talk to a counselor at high school about getting a free tutor, and you might also check out online services such as Alleyoop (http://www.alleyoop.com/). In your case, too, you might consider doing your studies online instead of in a brick-and-mortar class. The free accredited online high school Connections Academy (http://info.connectionsacademy.com/) might be worth checking out. And, by the way, if you haven’t talked to your high school counselor, you should. They will be able to make suggestions on getting assistance for your math studies. (I’m assuming you talked to your teacher, but if you haven’t, then there’s another resource). Furthermore, you need to tell your mom. Ask for her help, as well. If you haven’t done so, too, you should find some help and support for your Asperger’s. Organizations like the Autism Support Network (http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/) offer assistance in a wide array of issues related to those with various forms of autism, including Asperger’s. In short, Jacob, there is no reason for you to suffer alone with this problem, or to become frustrated by your attempts to pass math. You’ve got the will and determination, and now you just need a bit of a boost and support from your family, tutors, counselors, and online help that is out there for you! I hope this helps! Big Bear Hugs! Papabear FOLLOW UP Papabear has a bear friend in Texas who is a brilliant mathematician and teacher. So, I asked him if he had advice and he added the following: There are a number of such organizations but they usually act locally or at least at the state blevel. Your friend needs to contact the local school system and find a program that can take him. Some charter schools deal with cases like his but a lot of them are really bad. Not all though. His best bet is to look for a local program. There should be some. Some of these are allied with the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and he might check out their web site to see if they have anything in Georgia. If this guy is still in school he has every right to expect them to give him extra help. If they dont do this, he can sue them under the Americans With Disabilities act, He may need to remind the administration at his school of this. No Federal judge will accept the "we don't have any money for this excuse". The law requires them to have resources available and make providing them a priority! If he is willing to go on Second Life and has a reasonably good enough computer to handle it, then I would be willing to help him at Math Bear's school on Second Life. tell him there is no way to fake the test, he has to learn the basic mathematical concepts to succeed. He can do himself a great favor if he makes sure he knows the multiplication table well, backwords and forwards and by heart, This is absolutely if he want to succeed. He must also be able to handle all 4 fundamental operations of arithmetic with pencil and paper without using a calculator and on as non-trivial level! Single digit problems don't count. He should also know how to factor whole numbers. Finally, he needs to aware of all the numbers he runs into in real life and what they ,mean. Does the number count something? Does it measure something? Does it indicate a place in some sort of ordered list? is it just a label? (i.e. think "Chanel No. 5"). He needs to develop number sense if he wants to be able to handle math. Tell him not to be tempted to use his condition as an excuse. I once had a student in one of my Algebra2 cl;asees who had Down's Syndrome. He was determined to graduate honestly. He listened to everything I said, asked questions and took consistent notes. He did all classwork and homework. He came in after schhool everyday for me to help him. i made a few accomodations for tests but he took the same tests as the other students. He ended up getting an A- which i thought was really outstanding considering his situation. Dear Papabear,
I am struggling... really struggling, I have a chronic disability known as EDS (Ehlers–Danlos syndrome). It’s starting to effect my everyday life as well as with my social and family life. I live with my parents and they know all about my problem (my mother being my primary caregiver). I have been finding I have been getting chronic pain all they way up and down my spine and right shoulder. It is getting harder and harder to walk and do my job (I take commissions and such for anthro art). I tell my mother about my pain and she just shoos me off like it’s nothing; no sympathy no help. it is starting to highly frustrate me and my everyday life, resulting in me getting angry and frustrated more and more with my family. I don’t know if this is part of growing up (being in my mid teens) or it is because my parents are being complete douches (please excuse my French). Can you please tell me how to explain what I am going through to them, the pain is terrible and is frustrating me. My mum just doesn’t listen when I tell her, she is constantly making me go around and get stuff for her (like food, the phone etc.). She just doesn’t understand the pain I am going though. Thank you so much for your help, Papabear. from a struggling ferret * * * Dear Struggling, First, a note to my readers for explanation. Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome is a serious condition affecting connective tissues because the body cannot produce stable collagen. The most common symptoms include joint pain, loose/unstable/hypermobile joints, hyperextensibility of the skin (resulting in skin that is more easily bruised or torn), pseudotumor formation around resulting scars, spinal and other skeletal pain. There are several types of EDS, most are not life threatening but Vascular Type EDS can shorten one’s lifespan by damaging valves such as those in the heart. There really is no treatment currently for EDS. The main precaution doctors give is to avoid getting too much sun and limit physical activity because the most problematic problem with EDS patients is how easily their skin and joints are injured, which can lead to more serious problems such as infection, damaged joints, and early onset arthritis. Assuming you are not overreacting about how your parents treat you and they really aren't being that dismissive of you or making you do too much, and if your parents are putting you at risk for injury, then, given your condition, Papabear would say this borders on, and perhaps IS, child abuse. Have you, thus far, been physically injured because of what your family has asked you to do in terms of chores and errands? Do you feel their actions might cause you serious injury? Then this is serious. If, on the other paw, you don’t feel as if you are in any physical danger (whew!), you might be a victim of emotional abuse. The website www.ChildHelp.org defines emotional abuse, in part, as thus: “Telling a child in a variety of ways that he or she is unwanted, having a lack of attachment, showing no interest, not initiating or returning affection, and/or not listening to the child. Not validating feelings. Breaking promises. Cutting the child off while he or she is speaking. Pretending to hear concerns, but then disregard them.” More definitions are outlined here: http://www.childhelp.org/page/-/pdfs/Child-Abuse-Definitions.pdf. Depending on how badly you feel you are being treated, you can try a couple of things: 1) go back to your doctor and have him or her explain to your parents that you are suffering a serious chronic condition and that they need to understand that you can’t do the same things that other children might easily do for their parents; it could simply be that your parents are in denial about your illness and they need someone to give them a wake-up call; 2) if that is not feasible for some reason, you might try to find a mediator, someone you trust and who your parents also respect, such as a trusted uncle or grandmother. Tell him or her what is going on, how you feel, and see if they will talk to your parents about it. If this doesn’t help, you might consider 3) contacting a child abuse hotline and asking a professional for some guidance on the matter. Remember, Papabear is not a professional counselor and cannot give you authoritative advice on this matter, so it might be time to seek some help from someone really trained in recognizing child abuse and giving you some needed guidance. You need to get your parents to listen to you and take you seriously. Papabear hopes that a mediator of some sort will do the trick and that your parents might better understand your special needs and be more sympathetic to you. EDS might not be as grim a disease as, say, cancer, but it is a very real and painful condition and they need to get that into their heads. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I suffer depression issues and need to be in control. Well this month is the 3 year anniversary of two of my best friends deaths so I'm kinda freaking. Mix that with my boyfriend has been driving me crazy with little things like not really answering when I say things to him. I have always been bad about being in a room with friends and feeling completely alone and unloved, right now is worse then I have ever been. I am fight my ocd of touching or doing things in 5's. Thanks, A very stressed Ari * * * [Note to readers: Ari and Papabear also talked in other emails in which Ari confirmed she has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; she also said that her main question was how to relieve her stress.] Dear Ari, Your OCD is likely what is leading to your obsessing about your friends’ deaths and your boyfriend issues. By definition, you are obsessing about something that happened three years ago and about which you cannot do anything. While it, of course, takes time to heal from such a painful experience, “freaking” about it will not do you any good and is symptomatic of your neurosis. Likewise, you are probably obsessing about little things your boyfriend does that most people would shrug off as unimportant. For these two issues, Papabear admits he is not qualified to offer you any treatment (although it’s pretty clear your desire for “control” is a reaction to the death of your friends and desire to control the world around you so that such tragedies no longer enter your life), since this belongs under the purview of a trained therapist. Therefore, as you and I spoke about in our other emails, let us focus instead on your alienation problem. I’m glad you brought this topic up, Ari, because it is a problem that I think is particularly pronounced withing the furry community. What is “alienation”? Sociologist Melvin Seeman (no jokes, please—oh, all right, go ahead) defined six aspects of alienation, including: 1. Powerlessness: "Nothing I do makes a difference." "You can't fight city hall." 2. Normlessness: "Being 'good' just won't cut it anymore." "Nice guys finish last." 3. Meaninglessness: "I can't make sense of it all anymore." "What's it all about?" 4. Cultural estrangement: "My culture's values aren't mine." "What is 'success,' anyway?" 5. Self-estrangement: "My work doesn't mean much to me." "What I learn in school isn't relevant." 6. Social isolation: "I'm alone." "I don't fit in." "No one visits me anymore." (source: http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/alienation.html) A lot of this comes from allowing others to define for you what is right and wrong, what is success and failure, what you should believe in, how you should behave, what friends and lovers you should have, even what god to believe in. The solution is to stop listening to them and, instead, listen to your own heart and that inner voice in you that provides your self-identity and guides you toward what is right for you. Ari, your email does not provide a whole lot of information to go on, but Papabear also senses that you are feeling “alone and unloved” because you haven’t found the right people to be around yet. I mean, if you feel unloved around people who are supposed to be your friends, then why do you consider them to be your friends? The very definition of “friend” is a person with whom you have an emotional bond, someone you trust, an ally and companion. If you aren’t getting that, then they are not your friends. The best way to counteract this is to find people in your life with whom you share interests and, possibly, even a background. Not to put too thick a coat on it, but have you ever talked to other people who have OCD? Shared a little with them and offered each other some emotional support? Also, you are a furry, so are you hanging out with other furries with whom you have other things in common? Once you do this, your friends can do a lot to help relieve your stress by having someone to share with, hang out with, and bond with. Other than that, a lot of your stress is probably caused by your OCD, which is a very stressful disorder. Seeing a therapist is the best thing for this, although in one of your emails you said you didn’t have the money for treatment. If you haven’t already tried them, check out the International OCD Foundation at http://www.ocfoundation.org/. The site offers some basic information, help finding a therapist, and also links to phone support and online help that appears to be free or low-cost to you. I hope that helps you at least get a boost on finding some help, Ari. Good Luck, Papabear Hello,
I came across this site with the help of another furry and I've read through a couple of the letters and advice and figured I might ask for some advice for myself. I've been having many problems lately, many many indeed. I've been having the most trouble with some that others laugh at or say there's nothing to them. Firstly, I'm depressed, paranoid, have abandonment issues and almost always feel alone. I have thought about suicide, but I could never pull myself to do it, I fear death too much. That's another problem I have, I don't just fear death, I fear it to the point when thinking about death and having everything abruptly end forever brings me to near mental breakdown, I end up freaking myself out, crying, or even wishing I would just not wake up, so I would never have to actually experience dying. I see death as everything just ending, done, over with. No afterlife, no reincarnation, no heaven nor hell. Just, not even nothingness, not the null, no limbo. All consciousness ends, forever. That's what I am scared of... Another problem is that I have no money. I have no job, no car, am practically in medical debt, live off of food stamps, live with my family still and I don't even have a sure place to stay if something goes wrong. My family is small, it's me, my grandmother and my cousins. My father is a drugged up alcoholic who wants nothing to do with his "Homo-fag son" and my mother is nowhere to be found (Last she was seen was in Texas), she never was a family person. If my grandmother dies, I'll end up on the streets because the house isn't even paid off yet. I live out in a Very Small place with only houses and the markets and places I could even try to work at are around a mile or more away. There's no one out here, I have no friends, all the people here are old and secretive, keeping to themselves always. I have no friends to help me out of this position either. All my old friends from Las Vegas have dropped contact and I have not met a single person out here. For 2 and a half years I have gone without being in the company of a friend, and it may go on longer... Some more of my problems comes from my erratic love life. I was untouched and unloved by someone outside of the family till I became 18, then a guy practically rushed me into a relationship. It was nice to feel love from someone else, but it ended in him breaking my heart, not once but twice. Every boyfriend I had after him was either just as rushed and hurtful, or had no love. One time I had a long distance relationship with a wonderful boy, but I ended us because we lived far apart, and it hurt him and me, but he was able to recover, stabilize and find another, then another, and so on, but the pain I felt lasted until now, and it continues to hurt, I feel it was the biggest mistake I've made with a person and I haven't recovered even now. Out of all my past mates I shouldn't feel anything towards them, but I do, and I still talk to one or two of them, rarely. Something that comes up often that hurts me and makes me mad at the same time is hearing that they're in a good relationship. I just feel it eat away at my soul for some reason. I'm currently in a long distance relationship with another guy, and it seems to be going decent, but I have doubts we will last, we already have had some altercations as well as we talk less and less... I know it's all a mess, but maybe you could help me, even if just a little, I would really appreciate it. Quez * * * Dear Quez, Papabear went through a phase where he was utterly afraid of death for the same reasons you cite. Fear of death is something that is more common in someone who is middle aged or older, such as yours truly, than a younger fur such as yourself, but it happens to younger folk as well. One of the biggest reasons we have religion is that people desperately wanted to understand what happens after death, and so they came up with concepts such as Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory. Later, science became more prominent as a way to explain the universe and the life within it. As people began to understand that humans are not the center of the cosmos, that disease is caused by things such as bacteria and viruses rather than demons, and that all things die, including stars and the universe, there was an upswelling of cynicism, agnosticism, and atheism. People began to view human beings as merely biological machines that eventually wear out and cease to function. Consciousness, individualism, and the soul are merely illusions when following this reasoning, and, once the person closes his or her eyes for the last time, that is all she wrote. Now, Quez, consider the source of both these theories: human beings. Unless you literally believe in the Bible and that people like Lazarus and Jesus came back to life, no human being has ever come back from the dead to tell people what it is like. Therefore, no one really knows what the truth is and what happens when we die. If you’re interested, though, this is how Papabear got over his fear of death. Papabear believes that each of us contains a piece of God or the Ultimate Spirit within us. You might call it a soul, or a spirit, or whatever you wish. This is not something physical that you can point to, it is something that belongs to the realm of Spirit to which we are all tied. The reason for the creation of the universe is to have a place where Spirit can reside, grow, and develop into a higher state of being. Each living thing that crawls, swims, flies, or walks upon the little chunks of rock and water scattered through the cosmos is experiencing, learning, and growing as part of this spiritual evolution. What we become by the end of our allotted time is what we take with us after death, each life’s experience becoming a building block of Spirit’s ultimate state of being with which we will all become reunited in the end. This is why it is important for us to lead kind and loving lives, so that when we die our contribution to Spirit will be a positive one. In the meantime, you have to live your life and not obsess about death. You mention two problems currently plaguing you: money and your love life. The former seems to be troubled mostly by family and location problems. You list so many problems that it is impossible for Papabear to tackle them properly in one letter, so I will begin by recommending you start seeking help outside the house. There are many government and private resources that may lend a hand, everything from government Social Services offices to religious groups to Boys Town (www.boystown.org) that you should look into. Start using the Internet as a resource to locate people who can help—and there ARE people out there willing to help, you just have to locate them. As for your love life, well, Papabear doesn’t have enough information from you to make a recommendation. Just saying that you have had repeated failed relationships without going into more detail about what was said or done between you and your boyfriends makes it impossible to diagnose the issue and recommend a solution. One thing I did get a hint at, however, by reading between the lines is that you might be backing out of relationships when arguments ensue, rather than trying to face any disagreements and working them out. Relationships take work. You can’t just drop yourself into a relationship and expect everything to be hunky dory and, if it isn’t, run the other direction. Sounds like you need to put a bit more effort into your romantic relationships. Good luck to you, Papabear Howdy there Papa Bear.
I got a huge problem. A four root canals problem. I make very little income in the state of VA, and most my money goes towards bills, debt, and food. I've been terrified for my life. These oral problems can lead to heart disease and other health issues. I have been denied loans, or not offered enough money out of loans for debt consolidation so I can put money out for the dental work. I'm most certainly not willing to get another credit card. The debt would crush me down even further, and my options keep me bouncing back and forth. Either living miserably poor or possibly dying. I'm pushing myself I think to wait for something amazing to happen. I am unable to afford dental insurance to get the appropriate coverage I need, and my work place doesn't provide any benefits. I've been hunting for a job with benefits and more pay, but in today's market it's tough to scramble to the top without an "education". So, my question is, with facing all these roadblocks and limited options, is there any way to receive dental assistance? I've been feeling really sick lately, and I don't think it's wise for me to leave this world yet. If you're able to give me a bump in the right direction, would be greatly appreciated. Wulf * * * Dear Wulf, You are right to be concerned about your health regarding your teeth. Many people do not take proper care of their teeth, and this can lead to other serious health issues. Oral health is very important, and thank you for pointing that out in today’s letter. Thanks to the fact that the United States is the most backward Western power in the world in terms of health care (and education), you now find yourself in a situation where you can’t just walk into a dentist’s office and get needed care. The government has completely let its citizens down in this respect. Fortunately, there are people who still care out there. When I was living in Mason, Michigan, a kindly doctor opened up a free dental care place for people who couldn’t afford it. There are clinics like this in your state, too, Wulf. Please visit The Virginia Association of Free Clinics online at http://www.vafreeclinics.org/index.asp and find a clinic near you. These clinics serve not only the unemployed but also the working poor, such as yourself. Good Luck! Papabear |
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